It’s February. That means hearts, cupids, and Valentine’s Day.
I shudder to think about it. I mean it’s not that I’m not romantic. Heck, I’ll take a good romcom over a John Wick movie any day of the week. But Valentine’s Day just brings so much pressure for men to get the correct restaurant, gift, flowers, candy, and on and on. It’s very stressful, and it seems unduly burdensome to males. (Calm down ladies, I know you do your part too. I’m just not so sure you feel the same stress that men do.) I mean do we even know the origins of this alleged holiday? Is it just something made up by Hallmark and the candy companies?
Well, I did some quick research, meaning I Googled it, and this is what I found out. There actually were two men named Valentine that were unceremoniously executed by Roman Emperor Claudius II in the 3rd century on Feb. 14, albeit in different years. The better-known Valentine was said to have been marrying Roman soldiers in secret against the wishes of the emperor. Apparently good ole Claudius believed marriage weakened men. Valentine had fallen in love with a student he was tutoring and while imprisoned awaiting his fate, he would write love letters to his beloved and sign them, “from your Valentine.”
Next, we have a pagan holiday, the Roman festival of Lupercalia. It took place in the middle of February and consisted of men removing their clothing and running through the streets slapping women with skins of sacrificed animals to promote fertility (those Romans could party). Again, the man must kill the animal, skin it, undress, and run through the streets. I’d be good for about a block. There are further facts about the festival, but my editor forbids me to divulge more. Google it yourself. Thankfully, in the 5th century Pope Gelasius I outlawed Lupercalia, and some contend the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day replaced it.
Most historians credit Chaucer and Shakespeare for St. Valentine’s Day’s romantic origins. By the mid 19th century, Valentine’s Day as we know it began to take shape. Richard Cadbury created the first heart-shaped box of chocolates (that cad!!) in 1868. By 1910, the company that would become Hallmark began making the first Valentine’s Day cards, and the rest is well, history.
Therefore, based on the history of this alleged holiday, I have decided not to participate. After all, my lovely wife has Valentine’s Day 365 days a year. What do you say men? Will you stand strong and join with me?
WARNING! If you are a male who has been married less than 30 years, or are currently dating anyone for any length of time following this author’s advice could result in serious consequences, including, but not limited to, emotional and physical distress and possibility the loss of the relationship. You are encouraged to immediately put this article down and make reservations at the nicest restaurant you can, order flowers and stop by a store and buy chocolate, jewelry, or some other gift of value.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
